Lately, I’m finding myself really struggling to balance everything that we have going on. I know this is a pretty typical Mom-struggle, but the anticipation of how we’re going to manage our new fall schedule is really throwing me for a loop. Just when I think I have it figured it out, I find myself back at square one.
On top of all this, I have MAJOR Mom-guilt. I simply cannot do it all (though I like to think I can). I’m realizing I can’t be at every one of Elena’s therapies (missing one killlllllls me) without totally neglecting Cal. And Cal is at a really fun stage right now, where he is watching everything we do and loving to explore all things new. I totally feel like I’m missing that. This week alone, he was with a babysitter three of the five days. Elena hasn’t even started school yet. It’s such a struggle to be a present Mom with both kids at this stage. It’s a constant juggling act.
This is our normal, but my heart still aches for a “normal” normal. Like, my four year old’s life consists of shuttling from therapy to therapy, to appointment to appointment. My heart wants it to be filled with tea parties, dress up, trips to the playground, to the pool. Just once, I want to be in public, pushing Elena in her wheelchair, without feeling everyone’s sympathetic eyes on me. I keep fooling myself into thinking that as time goes on, that longing will go away, that I shouldn’t be surprised when I tear up watching a child Elena’s age. It still happens though, a lot. When it does, it stays with me for a few days, then eventually fades into the busyness that consumes our day until it pops up randomly again. It never really gets easier, I guess, maybe just different. I’ll probably be writing these same feelings…..well, forever,
My current challenge lies in being the same Mom, differently, to both kids….if that even makes sense! My job is so different for Elena than it is for Cal. It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I have to neglect one to serve the other. And that kills me. Which brings me to our current situation, how do I get Elena to all her appointments during the week and not totally neglect Cal? He’s at an age now, where taking him with me is pretty much out of the question for many reasons. I’m doing my best to let it shake out for a couple weeks before deciding on anything. The one thing I do know is that I can’t be in two places at once, so it will most definitely need to be a balancing act.