My darling husband called me out last night. And he was right…for once! He casually mentioned that I hadn’t been blogging very much lately. I mumbled some excuse to play it cool but it did get me thinking…and obviously got me writing. So, my apologies for the lapse in blogging!
For the most part, I’m getting used to this gig. I am finally starting to get glimpses of what Elena’s life, what our lives, will be like. Looking back to two years ago, leaving Riley we hadn’t a darn clue. We were still praying that it was all a bad dream. We were still hoping that she’d be the same once she got off her meds. We were still pleading with God that she would be completely healed from her terrible injury and be the Elena that we knew. Well, she is still the Elena, on the inside, that we knew, but her physical and mental challenges will forever continue to be great. But that’s ok. I’m learning to navigate this life. And I think my lack of blogging, especially my deep down, soul-bearing blog posts are a result of that.
I have struggled for SO.LONG. with the why’s, with the anger, with the despair, with the longing for a “normal” life. I now understand that no matter how mad I am or how sad I get, will any of this change. For a long, long time I never thought I would emerge from the wilderness, from the darkness that surrounded us, but it finally feels like we’re coming through. It doesn’t make anything easier. It doesn’t make Elena’s struggles better. It doesn’t make my heart hurt any less for what she’ll continue to endure. But it does allow me to focus on the present, on watching our baby grow into a little girl, on having the privilege of watching her little personality shine through her physical challenges. It allows me to live. Most of the past two years have been spent going through the motions, learning every day what our family will face, and hoping for a different outcome. I’m so ready to be over that.
Elena’s challenges are always going to be there. When one seemingly gets better, inevitably something else will pop up, but loving her just the way she is and giving her the tools to navigate the best we can through these challenges is our only job. God has really used the last couple months to show me so many of blessings he has bestowed upon my life. Really, without all these blessings our situation would be immeasurably more difficult. Through all of the bad, God has given us so much good. All of the times I couldn’t muster the faith to believe we could make it through this, He never left me and gave me just the smidge of hope to cling to get me through.
Now, don’t get me wrong, there are still bad days. There are still going to be a lot of bad days. I’m never going to be free and clear of the hurt. I’m always going to wonder what life would’ve been like had November 3, 2011 never happened. I’m always going to wonder what Elena would’ve been like, to watch her run, to watch her jump into a pool, to go down the slide all by herself, but it’s just going to be different for us. For now, I’m just content that the struggle and the hurt aren’t running my life every day.
Mouseketeers have BIG ears!
My happy girl.
She’s just the sweetest!