For the last nearly seven (SEVEN, ahh!) years my life has been a constant roller coaster of grief then joy, darkness then hope, struggle then freedom. I’ve cataloged it all here nicely sharing with you all both the tragedy and beauty in life. I’m proud of my honesty and proud that I’ve, in a way, shared this journey with all of you. The writing has helped my brain and my heart in the healing and you all, wow, have been more than remarkable. You’ve been receptive, loving, understanding, prayerful, encouraging, supportive and simply wonderful (at least to my face or screen anyway!). It’s been lovely to see how you all, who somehow found your way into our story, have been woven into the fabric of our journey. No doubt, God has used you to encourage us, as much as we have been a light for you.
Although the first paragraph sounds an awful lot like a goodbye, it’s not. Don’t panic! It’s just that I’ve been struggling to understand lately why I haven’t felt compelled to write like I used to. In the past, I would always have a ‘jumbling’ inside. I would sit at the computer and the words would fly off the tips of my fingertips, spilling all my thoughts and ‘jumblings’ out onto the screen in front of me.
It occurred to me the other day that I simply don’t have all the ‘jumblings’ inside anymore. I guess I would define ‘jumblings’ as an inner angst or emotional unrest. It would be a feeling or a thought based upon something I was dealing with that I could only wrap up or conclude by writing it out on paper. And simply put guys, I’m pretty darn peaceful these days. Hallelujah.
I had an epiphany a couple months ago. Fun Fact: I happen to be the queen of epiphanies BTW, crowned to me by a dear friend who hears all my crazy and loves me anyway. But, essentially I was sort of becoming my own worst enemy. Too much in my own head, too wrapped up in all my own feelings, I had been blinded to the insurmountable blessings that surrounded me. Folks, that’s really easy to let happen. For me, the more consumed I become with myself, my needs, my wants, my frustrations, me, me, me, the more grumpy, frustrated and anxiety bound I become. I became much less aware of the good, only the things that weren’t happening for me. I was bound by my own self. Once I realized that, ahhhhhh freedom!
At this very moment in my life, I can say I’m living in the moment. I’ve worked through so much of the trauma of the past, coming to terms with it, and actually being thankful for it. As for the future, there’s far to much fear and uncertainty to dwell there. I learned that a long time ago. The only future thinking I do, is planning my next vacation, ha! The present for me, equals peace. Don’t confuse that with perfection or happiness. Perfection doesn’t exist and happiness is too fleeting to claim. I prefer peace, deep joy, gratitude and recognition of all that surrounds me each moment.
I hope this is making sense. To keep things real, you all should know my kids all drive me crazy at some point every day. I always have 99 problems…and a million more. Life is nuts right now. Elena still has 138 issues going on at all times, whether it be therapy, school, medically or just the challenges we deal with on a daily basis. Calvin, though such a dear, talks one thousand hours a day and cannot deal when his younger brother pushes his buttons. And Turner, is hard to put into words (ha!). He loves big and can make you cry with laughter…and 3 seconds later cry while pulling your hair out. My nine year old dog discovered he can eat food off my counter tops. Any my husband can eat a gigantic bowl of ice cream every night and not gain a pound. My life is just a crazy as the next person, so don’t think that even though I am settled, I don’t have my own share of afflictions.
To wrap up my ramblings, ya’ll I’m good. I’m so so good. Just writing those words is emotional for me because for, like, forever I haven’t been good, settled, at peace with the way my life has twisted and turned. Almost seven years later, the mountaintop is within reach. Go ahead and remember what it’s taken to get here, there’s six years of writing, laying brick by brick the path to here.
This certainly isn’t goodbye. I’m still writing. There’s still more story to tell. Our girl continues to inspire me and her story continues be an example of God’s goodness and faithfulness. And I love sharing it with you all.
All three of my littles. Turner is probably growling. Elena is sweeter than sweet. And Calvin is doing exactly what I asked him to do. All three personalities summed up in one picture.